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  • Writer's pictureLoLo

Out of the Darkness and Into the Light



You see, I'm not sure how to even open up about this but I guess I can tell myself it's okay…so here it goes….


What does that signify to me….

Well, lets start with the darkness. Growing up as a city kid my parents didn’t have much to their name except being good parents and giving us a life that we could live happily. I've always been told to appreciate what you get in life because there are a lot of times, more then not, that things just wont go the way you may wish. As normal as this may seem to most, I said to myself they are right, I'll just take what comes to me with a grain of salt and keep moving forward. Little did I know that what life had waiting for me was not so sunny and happy. At 11 years old I had a major speech problem. I got made fun of daily and not long after, I had started speech therapy to help me overcome my issues I was having. Mr. K, first person aside my mother and father whom I had trusted with my feelings 100%. Someone who I was able to share my school and life struggles with. Man it was nice, I was starting to finally get over the things I struggled with and the confidence was starting to build. As months went on, Mr. K and I had gotten closer and closer, he was to the point of family in my eyes. This is where my first situation occurred, the man who I confided in to help me had been touching me in ways that he should not have been. As a young kid I was afraid to tell my parents because I did not want the man who helped me face my fears to get in trouble. So it was something I just buried and didn’t pay mind to because I could just “get over it”. So I thought I outgrew this and life had went forward. I got out of elementary school, my speech was good and I was in good shape for middle school. Wrong. I had went to a public school again of many mixed neighborhoods and I was staring back into a problem I had seen in elementary. Kids were bigger and stronger, they decided to bully and pick on me because I was always too afraid to hit back. I went month in and month out with getting punched in the face, pushed down the steps, shoved in lockers and just tortmented by the same group of kids that had been doing it for years. This is where I found my best friend, freshman year of high school. We had shared math class with eachother and he was so cool, captain of the wrestling team and just a popular person to be around, I thought to myself I am finally out of the constant battle of fitting in. Freshman-Junior year things were great, life had really turned around for me, I was co captain of the wrestling team and I was started to flood myself with friends and popularity, and I felt as if I had nothing to worry about anymore. Senior year rolls around and im living high and mighty, going to state qualifiers and had a beautiful prom date that I was so proud to have. Well, prom night was another start of an eye opening experience. I wanted to be cool, I wanted to fit in, so I decided it was cool to snort a line of cocaine and enjoy my evening with my “friends”. Well, that one evening spread to every weekend towards graduation day. I had nothing to worry about, I was enjoying myself just like everyone else. Graduation happened, and about 3 months later this is when the devil took me down the hallway. I was relentless, sun up to sun down I was partying with the best of them living life to the “fullest”. About a year later I was at a party with my best friend. Drinking, smoking, doing coke, dancing, just having a great time. Well, little did I know my best friend had been having a problem that was never noticed or brought up. He was struggling a battle wit heroin that none of us knew about. I went to use the restroom that evening to open the door and find him wrapped around the toilet base white as a ghost. Someone who meant so much to me, someone who I thought id have around my whole life, was suddenly gone like that. This was where I thought I started to learn my lesson. I stopped partying and hanging around the crowd I was with. Finally was getting my head glued back on the right direction and was stepping away from that life. I met a girl and we had gotten pregnant with my oldest daughter maddalyn. We had had our issues and decided we were not meant to be together, so we decided to just coparent. This went okay for about a year or so. Until I met the girl who I thought was it for me. She was cool kind caring and just really showed me how much of a great mother she would be based on how she was with other kids. Well, a year into us dating we had both slipped up and started doing cocaine together. I was responsible about it I thought, didn’t bring it around my child and I still always put my child first. Well, she had gotten pregnant. We had made a promise that both of us would stop playing with fire and we would settle down so we could have a healthy babygirl. Few months into the pregnancy she had admitted having a small minor issue but did not tell me with what. This was ignored and we proceeded to having and going forward with this. Well, in 2016 I had to say goodbye. To the child I never got to fully love. Without getting to deep into that feeling, it royally destroyed me. Caused me to tailspin back into drugs, I was out of control. In 2018 I had went to my father and had no other choice but to admit what I was doing to myself. If it weren’t for that day, would not be here to talk about it. I would be in prison or I would be in heaven with the people I missed the most.

In 2019 I was introduced to the softball pages, I got to meet so many great people and also had faced a lot of adversity. I had became a rep for unicorn sports in 2020. Man was this intense, fun and such a thrill to be a part of. Although I didn’t get the best welcome from the other reps I just stuck to myself and tried the best I could. Dale poling was the one who had gotten me involved. I was starting out well and was moving in the right direction to prove myself to Josh and Ashley. Little did I know within a year I would have my own log in and would be running my own show. As I started this journey as a rep, I said to myself, how else could I better tell my story then to put it on to a jersey. This is where dark horse was born. I did not have much support and people did not understand why I had even named it this. In my eyes, unicorn was a highlight of fun and wittiness. So, for me, I wanted to bring a line to the company that set me aside from the fun and witt. I wanted to cover the mental health aspect of it, the suicidal thoughts many of us were so afraid to talk about. I wanted to build a family inside this fun family and it be full of support for those who had suffered the same pain that I have suffered. Within two years I cannot even begin to say how thankful I am that this family is where we are now. I just want to let you know from the bottom of my heart that if it were not for you all, I would not be okay. You have allowed to me open up a door to allow free judgement and nothing but love and support to those inside the family and out. Being able to help others in the way we have has truly been an honor. Especially since there have bee multiple and still are days where I want to just give up. But I know it is not my time.




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